I never met a man I didn't like

Always drink upstream from the herd.

An ignorant person is one who doesn't know what you have just found out.

Ancient Rome declined because it had a Senate; now what's going to happen to us with both a Senate and a House?

Be thankful we're not getting all the government we're paying for.

Chaotic action is preferable to orderly inaction

Diplomats are just as essential in starting a war as soldiers are in finishing it.

Don't let yesterday use up too much of today.

Elections are a good deal like marriages. There's no accounting for anyone's taste. Every time we see a bridegroom we wonder why she ever picked him, and it's the same with public officials.

Even if you're on the right track, you'll get run over if you just sit there.

Every time a woman leaves off something she looks better, but every time a man leaves off something he looks worse.

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects ( I personally derived this quote myself only to find someone had beaten me to it )

Good judgment comes from experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment. ( Amen )

I don't make jokes. I just watch the government and report the facts.

If we ever pass out as a great nation we ought to put on our tombstone, 'America died from a delusion that she has moral leadership.

If we took Congress seriously, we would be worrying all the time.

If you ever injected truth into politics you'd have no politics.

If you find yourself in a hole, stop digging.

If you're riding' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there.

I'm not a real movie star. I've still got the same wife I started out with twenty-eight years ago.

Lettin' the cat outta the bag is a whole lot easier'n puttin' it back

Live in such a way that you would not be ashamed to sell your parrot to the town gossip.

Never kick a cow chip on a hot day.

Never miss a good chance to shut up.

Never slap a man who's chewing tobacco.

On account of being a democracy and run by the people, we are the only nation in the world that has to keep a government four years, no matter what it does.

Once a man holds public office he is absolutely no good for honest work.

Our constitution protects aliens, drunks and U.S. Senators.

People are getting smarter nowadays; they are letting lawyers, instead of their conscience, be their guide.

Politics is the best show in America. I love animals and I love politicians and I love to watch both of 'em play either back home in their native state or after they have been captured and sent to the zoo or to Washington.

That's what a Congressman or a Senator is for -- to see that too much money don't accumulate in the national Treasury.

The income tax has made more liars out of the American people than golf has.

The more you read about politics, you got to admit that each party is worse than the other

The quickest way to double your money is to fold it and put it back in your pocket.

The taxpayers are sending congressmen on expensive trips abroad. It might be worth it except they keep coming back!

There are 2 theories to arguing with a woman ... neither works.

There are three kinds of men: The ones that learn by reading, the ones that learn by observation, the rest of them have to pee on the electric fence and find out for themselves

There ought to be one day-- just one-- when there is open season on senators.

There's no trick to being a humorist when you have the whole government working for you.

Things in our country run in spite of the government, not by the aid of it.

This country has come to feel the same when Congress is in session as when the baby gets hold of a hammer.

This thing about getting rid of a man in the Cabinet is all right, but there is one bad feature to it that few people realize. That is, that unfortunately every one of them is replaced by someone else. If it wasn't for that, this resignation business would be great.

Tomorrow is Labor Day, I suppose set by Act of Congress. Everything we do nowadays is either by, or against, Acts of Congress. How Congress knew anything about Labor is beyond us.

We are all here for a spell; get all the good laughs you can.

We can't all be heroes because somebody has to sit on the curb and clap as they go by.

You can't say civilization isn't advancing; in every war they kill you in a new way.

You see, in Washington they have these bodies, Senate and the House of Representatives. That is for the convenience of the visitors. If there is nothing funny happening in one, there is sure to be in the other, and in case one body passes a good bill, why, the other can see it in time and kill it.

Long ago when men cursed and beat the ground with sticks, it was called witchcraft. Today it's called golf

ABOUT GROWING OLDER...

Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know "why" I look this way. I've traveled a long way and some of the roads weren't paved.

When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of Algebra.

You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

I don't know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

One must wait until evening to see how splendid the day has been.

Being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

If you don't learn to laugh at trouble, you won't have anything to laugh at when you are old.